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The pleasure of killing - 4x11 | 9x19

I wonder if either brother have ever considered that perhaps Dean is misreading his own perceptions…that he is looking what he did and seeing pleasure in the act of killing as proof he is corrupt, when in fact the pleasure is not in the death itself, but in the claiming of power he so rarely had both on earth and in hell, and in the chance to release his internalized grief and rage.

Or that the ‘pleasure’ was simply relief at not being tortured anymore. And that every instance of ‘pleasure’ in killing/torture following his return to Earth was simply carryover, the learned behavior of an abuse victim. And got horribly melded with the normal reaction of being happy/relived that you won, that you beat the monster, that you survived.

 yes exactlythis distinction requires examination of traumatic eventswhich dean prefers to avoidthough proper processing is a required part of healthy recovery from terrible traumalets face it dean is basically trying to livewith a massive case of untreated ptsd. (via 4persephone)

I can not even begin to emphasize the import of this…the ties between Dean’s violent side and his repressed emotions and past traumatic experiences, though I think most therapists would draw that connection in a heartbeat. Anger and depression and grief don’t just cease to go someplace..they will make their way out one way or another. The problem is Dean has enough trouble recognizing and admitting to his feelings as it is without him also being able to tie those emotions to their affects unassisted. He just knows violence and torture seem to feel good..and that good people don’t approve of or enjoy those activities, so if he does he must be poisonous, broken, a bad person. No one has ever told him if he einates cause he’ll eliminate effect to a large degree.

Yes to all of the above, and as I mentioned in a recent meta, this control and lack thereof is why I believe the effects of the blade are so powerful for certain people. It makes him feel in control for once, and it fills a void where he has denied himself so much. He has denied himself love, he has denied himself recovery. He hasn’t been allowed to deal with his grief, and like Jody he has buried it under everything he could imagine and it’s still there.

So I imagine feeling so out of control, so incapable of dealing with past traumas and completely denying yourself the things you need inside would make feeling that powerful, and that in control, pretty damn good.

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